I told him, that he is strong and brave about life & death.
So he replied, "Nah not strong but thank u for that. hmm, u rasa syg i?"
Me: Of course i sayang you! I meant I sayang you because of Allah, you noe. Hees.
He: I tak faham apa maksud u. I meant as in syg i like how u syg a bf...
Me: Ahh something like that i guess?
He: U guess? U ni, u love me syura? Yes or no coz i do, i love u
My heart froze and somehow ache for a moment. Because i dont know what to reply, or how i really feel, about the word I Love You.
It amazes me that someone, whom weve been talking through msn, chat and sometimes phone calls yet who we only have met once... Would say that he loves me?
Maybe through our conversation he fall in love with me. Yet what about me? Have i?
So i replied him, "I sayang.. tapi kalau cinta, itu... I tak tau. I've never know or tak pandai nak mentafsirkannya. Faham? sorry."
My reply was.. I guess kinda vague right? :(
But really, it kills me to tell him how i feel about him.
Honestly, when he told me that he's at hospital, because of Asthma attack, i was very concern for him. My mind out of nowhere wonder, if i could be with him, i would hold his hand tight and kissed him (on his cheeks). Yet i know i cant do that. Not now.
They say, marry someone because of his agama. Am i being selfish in wanting more? Yet i know, if there is ikhlas and the if its meant to be, then i wont hesitated to fall. Insyaallah.
------
I asked Sky Sage,
Hai orang awesome(: Bgaimana kita cinta seseorang kerana Allah? Is it like a normal kind of love or like bf/gf kinda love?
•
So we were talking about the song Bruno Mars - Grenade.
I told him, that the song is merepek... Whereby, why would I want to "catch a grenade for you"? And in the first place why is there even a grenade in the scene? Hahas.
So he replied... "Dah pernah bercinta, have you ever been in love before?". His question makes me silent and think for awhile... I wonder to my self, 'Have I ever been in love? Hmmm.. then wad about Z? Wad about the things we've been through together and what I myself did for him? Does that count?'. There was silent for a few short moment.
He continued... "Tak kan?", as if he knew me!. I replied... "Hmm maybe, I guess".
I guess wad goes on in my mind was, have I ever been in love with someone till i'd catch a grenade for him? And well, I guess wad he said was right then? Hmm...
So then I asked him,"Would you be willing to catch a grenade for her?" He said, "Eh.. asal her pulak? Doesn't mean so ape.. how about parents, family siblings...?" "Yelah I tau... but now I tanya... example ape..." With words full of triumphhe said,"Yes, I would".
I was stumped without words by his answer, and I smiled. Thank you.
Isnt he lovely? This is my first time i talk with a guy about these kinds of conversation, the first time i found out the existence of a guy like him, as well as the first conversation with a guy which is the most fun and interesting! Awwws.Cute. (:
------ Haha ok, well this guy is my driving instructor, that day. The malay guy I've once post about. Hehs. His name is Aidil. I'm not sure if he really is 22 -.- Its quite hard to believe about his age. Well, the age is nevermind. And we'll.. I guess he have a girlfriend, as I caught a glimpse of his Iphone wallpaper. Hmmm. Sedih ke, wahai sayang? Haha :P
Just now, i went driving. Learnt parallel parking today.
Today my driving wasnt that good. Cause of my forgetfulness.
And well... The instructor is a Malay guy.
Abeh dia ajar.. I tak suke his tone of voice. Dia bebual macam i budak bodoh gitu. -.- blerghh..
Beh i diamkan aje lahh. Nanti kalau nak cakap balik.. Orang ingat asyura sombong kan? So takpelah.. Ingat baik ajelah. Accept kekurangan dan kelemahan diri sendiri aje. Hmm. Yes, i know i can do better. Insyaallah (:
Then tadi.. Buke puasa time.
Abang tengah bebual tentang sebab kenape Asyura nak beli kereta which he kinda dissaprove saying that, 'tak cukup duit, blum lagi kerja and if even kerja gaji tak seberapa nak ambil kereta.' Then mum voice out, Ok apa.. Sebab driving fikirkan untuk future Asyura.
Abang.. Tak tahu... kenapa Asyura ingin kereta. Dia tak faham. Baguskan kalau Asyura ada kereta, jadi senang.... Insyaallah boleh hantar Kak Asiah balik rumah bile kak ambil Azzahrah home, jadi dia tak penat naik bus.
Lagipun, kalau ada ape2 untuk hantar sesiapa kan senang..? :'(
Hati ini tidak dapat mengungkapkan kata-kata sebenar yang ingin dikatakan.
Lalu tadi, sebelum Asyura solat Ishak, I baca Quran. Sebelum membacanya, Asyura berdoa supaya Allah show me the right path and kuatkan iman Asyura. So i opened the Quran and An-Nahl, ayat 94 terpampang (: Bila start baca, dengan serta merta, Asyura menangis. Betul.. tiba-tiba.. Start crying. Mungkin hati terlalu sedih.
Lalu lepas habiskan Surah An-Nahl.... Emosi mula rasa tenang. Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih, Ya Allah (:
------
Dah lama tak nangis. Haha.
And yes, diri ini terasa sungguh kerdil. Maafkan saya.
Hmm... Asyura belum lagi sedia untuk bercinta. I know that. Insyaallah Allah akan bukakan hati ini oks? (: Amin.
"Dia terdiam terpaku sambil mencebikkan bibir." HAHA. Dah lama tak denagr kata melayu nie.
Hey darl. Its weird... I woke up from sleep today, dreaming of Ustazah haslinda's voice -.- She says something abt.... "Belajarlah untuk jatuh cinta.. Kalau tak cuba maka tak tahu". :O Omgg wth. Weirddd! Then i woke up from sleep, then the first thought i have was 'need to belajar'. Haha
•I used to draw Carebears in my school books, as it reminds me of you.
I used to loves you. Now... Ive stopped drawing Carebears with a heart-shaped on its belly.
Ive moved on... & I know that youve already moved on too.
Its sad how things turn out to be. Yet, it teaches me. A new scar, a lesson learnt about love.
Hmm, i drawn this picture somewhere arnd feb/march. -Check out my post about The flight, The gamble.
Well, this doodle was when i missed him terribly and that day i was at Esplanade library studying for the next day's bio exam while listening to the song Shonetelle- TShirt.
The Tshirt written: No comment.. Which i like that blue shirt of him.
The CareBear: Being him.
----
So why am i suddenly writing about Z-carebear?
Well, im studying for tmr's exam. And well...
I saw this Carebear bear ive drawn. And my mind wonders back to the past, of him.
& somehow without meaning to, my heart ache ;'(
Rihanna - Take A Bow. Somehow it fits this post.
; Life. Ending. Sadness yet moving on. Hahas.
"Now it's time to go Curtain finally closing.. That was quite a show.. Very entertaining...
But its over now...
Go on and take a bow."
•Kau sesuatu yang tak pernah ku dambakan. Tak pernah ku melihat, mendapatkanmu.
Kerana kau luar biasa. Datanglah dan temani aku, dalam hidup ini bersama.
------
I kept on thinking... Have i fallen in love? -Maybe... not. Not yet. I guess? Is there anyone on my mind as i think of whom? - Well yes, there is. But im not sure. My heart havent come to a conclusion of who he is. Or if he's there or not...
Ive been reading stuffs about love, wanita, and marriage these days. Haha.
I wanna get married! To the right one, to the destined one, to the one who would lead me and be my strength in this journey. Journey towards life and to God. Insyaallah to Jannah.
Im scared, you know... Of probably... falling, once again :/
Im indecisive, yet i know if its meant to be i will accept it gladly. Hees.
Hmm well, I want to love Allah. I want to love someone because of Allah. Yet i always wonder how? Am i doing it right? Is my niat alright?
I always berdoa, For me to bcome a better person. Hati baik, akhlaq yang mulia. Ikhlas hati dan jauh dari riya'. Being a good person, so that Allah can love me, and because of his love, he'll shower me with benefits right? Haha. Is my niat alright? Is that ikhlas?. Maybe the benefit thing is err..
But well, to me.. The first step, is To be a better person. Thus loving Allah whole-heartedly. Yet am i doing it right?
Its known that if you love someone, you would do things out of the world just to give that lil or much happines and love towards him. Hence to love Allah, we have to do what Allah wants, order us to do. Sadly, i realised that i dont put much more effort in things to strive. For example, being consistent in Solat. Achieving ketaqwaan. :'(
Im sorry, Ya Allah.
I want to fall in love with you. Yet i dont have enough courage unlike SALMAN Al Farisi's love towards you. Forgive me. But i want to try. Guide me, Protect me, and Show me towards the right path. Insyallah. Amin, ya rabbal a'lamin.
•
Well, i was texting with Sky Sage.
He asked what am i doing?
So i replied:
Sorry late reply. Tadi gi baca Quran... beh gi mkn. Hees. Now... just lazing arnd haha (:
Then, he replied. A text which makes me bewildered yet full of affection.
He says:
Alhamdulillah... Plz 4give me if i adore u. Nw i understand how ppl can love otherz bcoz of Allah... Subhanallah
Yes, dear Akhi. Subhanaallah. If what you are saying is true, that you love me because of Allah. Then Syukran Jazillah for loving me because of Allah. I am most honoured.
Aku harus memperbaiki dan menghias peribadiku karena itulah yang dituntut oleh Allah.
Kalau aku ingin lelaki yang baik menjadi suamiku, aku juga perlu menjadi perempuan yang baik. Bukankah Allah telah menjanjikan perempuan yang baik itu untuk lelaki yang baik?
Tidak kunafikan sebagai remaja, aku memiliki perasaan untuk menyayangi dan disayangi.Namun setiap kali perasaan itu datang, setiap kali itulah aku mengingatkan diriku bahwa aku perlu menjaga perasaan itu kerana ia semata-mata untukmu.
Nak dengar story?
Cinta Salman Al Farisi (click here).
".....dengan penuh rasa kebesaran Tuhan menyelinap roh cinta-Nya memenuhi jiwanya yang kerdil."
So Allah test Salman To see what reaction he have to the pinangn yg ditolk.
Instead off disappointmnt...
His heart is content with the result. Why?
Because... His love for Allah, Overwhelm any duniawi decisions thrown to him. Because he knows Allah knows best!
And because Allahs love has engulfed his soul such that no other love can replace or hurt it. (:
Ok uh.. Well, these days ive been thinking about love, soulmate and destiny. hehs.
To be a good muslimah, the thought of being in a relationship means the passage towards Nikah, God and Jannah. Hehe.
Hmm well, If i like someone, or if he likes me.. I would always wonder... Can i see a future with him? A path towards marriage? Living in a house and building a family? Resolving conflicts and agreements? Haha. Well yeah., i would envision that most of the time.
Truth is, its hard to probably find that someone currently. Maybe.
Because we're still student and have not yet started working.
I mean.. Once you start work, confirm savings is there and then a relationship and marriage is achievable right?
So probably now, I guess we/I just... observe/find someone whom we think is the right one lah?
I may be wrong though. But whatever.. Haizz.
Hey can i ask something?
What if i like him? But.. you see, both he and i sometimes do talk as in text or msn and sometimes seeing each other. And somehow i feel that the only tie or bond we have is that we're in the same madrasah.. But once we've graduated madrasah.. What will become of us? Because we're in the same madrasah, there is always a chance that we'd be meeting/bumping with each other. But if that tie is gone..? Then... it'll probably left with communication and the meeting up approach? And well.. You know that I see him as someone i could live with. But just that currently, things doesnt really progress. Its not that we talk everyday or what. But well... I wonder if im doing it wrongly. And there are many girls out there you know.. Girls with tudungs, and well girls with nice akhlaq out there for him, compared to err.. me.. But they say, if its meant to be then it'll be. Who knows Allah will fixed us up wth something to tie ourself with together? Hehe.
Ok well, the point is.. Im actually scared that he isnt whom i want in my life in the end.
I mean he's the one i want, but in terms of being together it seems possible yet need effort, which effort is one thing which i (havent) put in yet. Both he and me.
So we need effort? Hmm...
But oh well. Oh well.. Oh well...
Dearest Asyura sayang. Its ok aite. I mean... Remember Allah. If he's not the one, maybe someone better will come. Or even if there ain't no guy.. Well you still have Allah's love right? That'll be much better ok. So think positive. Yeah positive positive. -Though i need to put more love into Allah. Sorry Allah, sebab kasih Asyura terhadap Allah tidak sebanyak as your love to me probably.
Ahh.. of course i want to get married and have childrens! Hmm.. :/ Goshh ok, Insyaallah.
------
Hey hey. I need to improve myself. Im not a good person. I need to be more Ikhlas with myself. As in loving myself, and loving Allah more.
Anyway, Ive been going CDC for car driving these days. Its sooo fun! Especially if i get things right. hehe.
Oh and a few days ago, that S crank course (the letter shape S road), the instructor taught me.. beh i macam err.. macam tergesa-gesa gitu.. beh in the end dia tak pass/chop kan i itu course. So yeah. Beh just now i went for my lesson, another instructor taught me a lil bit different thing. And ohh my gossh! I can do it! Geeezz. I think its because the first instructor was being toooo TECHNICAL on me! i guess im not the technical type of person, as in gotta stop at least half of the window lah one-thrid lah wadever lah! Im the follow the flow or using judgement uh kinda person. Well yeah.. No harm done. At least now i noe a different technique and also this recent instructor did chop a few course for me, so i didnt actually lack behind in my lesson. (:
Today driving was a good day. hehehe. Love it. Alhamdulillah.
------
My azam untuk memiliki kereta telah memuncak. Hahaha. Because a few days, i really realised the importance of a car (i meant not for myself, but for others).
As in, that day friday, my elder sis came my house to fetch my niece home arnd 830+pm. Then she was like sooo penat already.. Whereas her husband ada kereta sendiri tapi mau lambat2 kul 10+ baru nk ambil them, eventhough my sis is soo penat and dah cranky abit. Beh Azzahrah was like.. On the 2nd time she called him, says "Ibu lagi 10 minutes can.. Papa say he will ambil.." But sis says.. "No, balik sekarang.." Well i guess sis noes that 10 mins for him is not 10 min reach here.. So yeah.. i guess she was kecewa hati uh.. So she thought of taking the taxi home lah.
The sad part was.. When they were outside my house front gate... Kesian.. Si AzZahrah.. nangis sebab kene balik uh. Hehh. Macam dia tak mau balik gitu. Tapi apa dayanye, dia harus ikut kata ibu dia.. Beh Si Zahra mintak hug from me.. So i hugged and kissed her. So yeahh bye bye.
So at that point in time.. I was like.. "Hmm.. Kalau Asyura ada kereta.. Asyura Insyaallah akan send those two back home safely! Kesian kan.. tengok dia orang, sis baru balik from work beh dtg rumah sini beh kena balik rumah dia pula. Beh malam2 kul 8/9pm gitu gi balik rumah beh sampai rumah mcm kul 10/11pm gitu. Penat kan?"
So yeahh.. Thats when i started my new azam for driving! hehehe. Alhamdulillah. (: Ya allah, please grant me this wish ok Allah? (; I'll be good.
Oh these days, ive been teaching/supervising Zahra her homework. Haha. Maybe i feel a sense of duty as an Aunty uh? Haha, Or saje.. ringankan tangan Kakak. Heeeh :P Well.. I guess more of a duty uh. Kesian kan.. tengok si Zahrah tu. Kena marah kalau tak buat hw. And dia baru je primary 1. So obviously kene ada supervision or guidance.. Which somehow sis only tells her to buat her hw but do it herself without specific guidance sitting by her side looking at her hw, which i think its not right unless lah dia dah more berakal and dah independent. So yeah. (:
Entah ehh.. dealing dengan This 7 year old kid kan.. somehow reminds me of.. "Hey.. ini macam patients asyura yang orang tua-tua tu yang i jaga kat hospital ehh..", Haha. Yeah patience. (:
------
Today, Sunday... Was alright(: Tadi learnt Faraidh calculations. Haha.. Quite fun lah.. but kene memorise the fractions and criterias. Hmmm.
Beh ustaz bebual lah tentang.. Kalau nak kahwin, kahwin kerana Allah. Hehe. Then at that point in time, i was thinking aboutTaufiq. Haha.
I dont know why.. But to me, i picture Taufiq as the most promising husband, or a husband i would like to have~! haha. Ssshhh! (; I mean.. Dia beragama, itu important. Yang lain2... Hmm boleh lah we can talk, bergurau..
But mungkin other than that.. I suka Taufiq nye belakang, his broad back and shoulder! Hmm dia taklah skinny, which i dun really think so, medium size which is better than being skinny :P Haha. And his long fingers which looks sexy when wearing a ring! hehehe :D -Imagine nanti nikah or tunang he pakai the ring...? Melt nanti oks? haha. Ok itu Me -.- haha. -I know ive told Annisaa this a lot of times. Haha.
Maybe lah kan.. Taufiq jodoh ASYURA eh? Insyaallah. Haha. Mana tau, dalam diam tersirat sesuatu dalam hati.. macam mana Asyura suka Taufiq dalam diam. HAHA! OK.. im being very romantic! -Which i like to think about these stuffs about fate and romance love stories the.. Without knowing, we fall for each other. Haha :D
But okok, this is just berangan lah. I mean i do like him.. Tak tau lah as more than that or wad. But i do know that' i'd picture him as a good husband, a husband i'd respect and love. I can picture us being together, as a family and having childrens. So yeah. Hees (:
Beh tentang kalau bukan jodoh ke ni semua.. Asyura hanya plan aje.. Allah yang menentukan. Maybe what Allah plan might be someone better than what I had hoped? Hehe. Harus berfikiran baik pada Allah. (;
Ok diamm okies. Tak mau bilang sesiapa! Ssshh.. Hehehe.
Trololololololo. If you're beautiful, then i'm gorgeous! Hi darl. (:
I loves the rain, seeing the raindrops from my window.
Staring up at the big blue sky, laying down.
12:59 AM
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 back to top?
Trololololololo. If you're beautiful, then i'm gorgeous! Hi darl. (:
