1:34 AM Saturday, May 19, 2012 back to top?

• Maafkan aku ya Allah. :'(

Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya aku memang nak bernikah.
Aku tahu bahawa jodoh adalah takdirmu.
Aku ingin mendapat keredhaanmu dan bukan kemurkaanmu, ya Allah.

Apakah aku takut?
Apakah aku tidak usaha dengan sekuat-kuatnya.
Ya Allah maafkanlah aku. Maafkanlah atas sifat kekurangan dan sifat kekerdilanku ya Allah.
Engkaulau lah yang maha mengetahui. Maha mengetahui isi hati kami.
Yang mengajar kami apa yang kami tidak ketahui.. Sesungguhnya kau maha bijaksana..

Ya Allah aku tahu jodoh dan takdir adalah urusanmu.
Kalau dia baik bagiku duniaku dan akhiratku, dekatkanlah kami dalam ikatan pernikahan.
Senangkanlah urusan kami dan berikanlah kami barakah dalam perkara ini.

Ya Allah, sebenarnya tentang perkahwinan...
Dengan benarnya, aku suka akan perkara yang baik ini.
Kalau dia memang ditakdirkan untukku.. Maka Alhamdulillah aku akan terimanya dengan hati yang ikhlas.

Cuma... What am i supposed to do when my mum does not like it?
Itulah sebabnya saya bilang dia.. Lagi 2 years, insyaAllah i'll be Totally ready. (Its not that im not ready now, i am i dont mind the idea of marrying).. cuma Mum wants me to work first, she thinks that im just daydreaming now...

So i'll wait...
I told her, can i get Tunang now? Then marry 2 years later or so?.. Then she said, For what!? Might as well straight away get married. So yes i understand that.


InsyaAllah. Insya Allah. InsyaAllah.

I understand that my words to him wasnt clear.

Hmm... Saya tanya awak sesuatu boleh? Spouse tu bile...? kalau lagi 2 years awak boleh tunggu?

So he said: Kalau taknak Tunggu, boleh minang?

And he said: Kalau Kita nak nikah Takmo Tunggu, awak sanggup?

Malah saya rasa perkahwinan ini lebih baik bagi kami, untuk menjaga hubungan kami yang tiada ikatan ini! Astargfirullahalazim.

------


So remember i asked you about 3 weeks of not contacting and just doing our solat and hajat.
I did that. Every Single Day! :'(

The first time, after i prayed and was sitting down, my mind went to wonder....

So this point in time, i felt sad.. yet i feel redha as if i guess, he wasnt meant for me.

Subsequently, the thought of not thinking of him become clear and blank.
However as  a week passed by, somehow i had that feeling of wanting to married again. As usual i always prayed istikharah every single day.

The second time, while i was in a mosque, I began to think and wondered, "If i wasnt a nurse, i'll be a student (Studying ilmu Allah) or i'll be a wife!". Yes, among these 3 i would say, the last one which is being a wife, to me i feel as if it is the most rewarding out of all these 3s.
So i prayed Istikharah. After i finished, i sat down... Then somehow the thought of being married and being a wife wasnt so bad at all. In fact yes it good. So somehow i made up my mind, thinking if its good for me, May Allah guide me. So yes, marriage it is.

Subsequently, near the end of my 3 weeks, my thoughs, my niat says yes i want to get married.
On my last day, I told my mum that i want to get married. Or at least tunang first. Then somehow she brush away the topic with her quiet. She wasnt too keen of me marrying an age difference of 13 years. So i just say. "Okay eh Mum.. InsyaAllah. InsyaAllah".

The next day, i ask him, how is his istikharah/hajat prayers?
I was upset and dissapointed when he said, that he didnt place the prayers as his top priorities, since he was too busy with work. But he did mentioned that, he believes in Takdir and he believes in Allah. Allah knows.

After that, a day after (which is on fri), he mentioned that he did the prayers, but he felt Nothing. So he said.. "Hmm... Only Allah knows, while we dont know."

-So yes, if its meant to be it will always be.

Then at the same day, friday itself, my sister and my mum was talking about me and about the 13 years of age difference between me and him.
They were saying, "Of course now is a good/happy2 time.... but subsequently as time passed by and as our age gap grew with difference in mental adaptations, our paths wont be as 'keserasian' as before. Just look at Sister, last time her husband can send her here and there, now.. He dont want lah .. tiredlah .. lazy lah.. Go home yourself lah.."-that kind of conversation.
Then the part when sister said.. "Entah.. si Asyura nie!... sampai solat istikharah skali!".. Somehow when mum heard those words 'istikharah', it was obvious that she was very surprised! with her eyes light up look at me that kind.

At that point in time, i felt like rebutting my sister's comment, but Allah knows. I kept quiet only and left the conversation.

So then... somehow.. i started to think... :'( Owwh... This means we're not meant to be isnt it?
Because mum, do not agree of me marrying... As well as they say, kita kena dapat keredhaan Allah dan keredhaan Ibu kita supaya dapat berkat.... Hence at this point in time, with his answers and mums answers... i began to doubt my answers and let it be. So be it, Let fate, ALLAH runs its course.


WALLAH HU A'LAM BISSAWAB!

11:59 PM Friday, May 11, 2012 back to top?

•
Lalu aku terfikir tentang Ustazku mengatakan tentag “Nur A’la nur”… 
Dimana kalau seseorang itu baik, tetapi Rasulullah s.a.w beliau lebih baik dari yang baik. 

SubhanaAllah. (: Allahhumma solli a’la Muhhammad.

11:59 PM Tuesday, May 8, 2012 back to top?

• Allah yang paling berkuasa
Allah yang beri rezeki
Allah yang menentukan
Allah yang paling sempurna
Segala kekuatan datang dari Allah.

11:59 PM Wednesday, May 2, 2012 back to top?

•
Im trying…
To be a better person. A good muslimah and a mukmin. Im also trying to be an isteri yang solehah (insyaAllah).
Im trying to be closer to Allah.. For his love, guidance and protection.

Im trying to remember Allah as frequently as possible.
Im trying to do His commendment as the best of my ability, insyaAllah.

Im trying to adapt with my life, which starts today.. With my work as a mumaridho, as well as my Khat lessons and A level Pengajian Islam.
Im trying to be a better person a good person. Im trying im trying. But sometimes my nafsu and my laziness gets to me, which makes me unable to achieve what ive always want. I’ll try ok. I’ll try ;’(.
Please make Doa’ for me.
Today, i was a little bit fearful of my new career as a mumarridho. May Allah guides me, protects me and watches me like He has always been. Amin thumma amin.

Sometimes ive always wish for someone to be there for me in times like this, now.. Someone. whom i love, someone who i can depend on and someone who would bring smile and peace to me…. Like you, my soulmate, my future husband.
But.. I know that this is wrong. Because we’re not married and i shouldnt depend on someone to lift me up.

Because.. There is Allah. Allah is there. He have always been there, waiting for me, waiting for my doas and has always watch me and giving me his blessing and guiding me.

So.. He has always been there for me.
And i know i should be asking him, depending him, loving him, serving him as i am a servant of Allah and making doa’ to him. Barakallah!