1:00 AM Thursday, August 11, 2016 back to top?

• Me: Hahha sorry, I was too fast and furious. Haha cheyy!  Hmm I kata, have you had that talk you're supposed to have with your parents..  Remember you said abt balik jb nanti Kent interview.. Wad did they say? Haha

Fir: Hahaha..hmm..basically they didnt say much..just that my mum kept bugging me about the photos she took with you..hahaha..my dad said to relax and dont rush too fast into a relationship..get to know u and ur family first before being in a committed relationship..haha..dalam hati i, I was like,' hmm..its too late..she's my girlfriend now..haha..insya'allah..everything will go smoothly.. ' tu dalam hati je..cos u know parents..always wanting the best for their kids..and yea..they know about my ex situations..so they dont want me to repeat history again..((:

Me: Haha they don't know ke you're my bf now eh? Yeaa my mum also said like wad your  dad said!  Hehee. Oh my dad was like.. Suruh budak tu learn basic2 agama. Nanti dia nk didik keluarga kena ada ilmu pengetahuan. Tau baca Quran solat etc.. Takut nanti salah kefahaman tentang Islam nanti jadi mcm Isis and syiah/wahabi those ajaran sesat pula. Dia OK tak tentang Majlis Maulidur Rasul?  Sebab ada org tak suka maulid kata bida'ah tu semua...Hahaha soo I just said... Umm... Dia masih tengah belajar lah ayahanda... Hee so yeah. My mum pula understanding.  Hehe (:

Fir: Well..I wont argue much about that..hmm..i'm still learning but I just want things to take it's flow..i'm sorry but I dont really know all these stuffs u just said..but I have faizul to guide me on these stuffs..I wasnt born into a religiously perfect family..so I wasnt being forced to practice Islam that much..hence, my current knowledge is all based on some religious I went on my own accord..my parents did send me to madrasah n stuff when I was young but the organization did some shitty stuffs..so yea..my parents lost faith in placing their kids in these madrasah thing..that was my parent then..but now the circumstances have change..my parents are chasing the afterlife now..so they're slowly placing Islam into practice within the family..the one thing that i'm afraid of is my limitation on Islamic knowledge will lead to the downfall of our relationship..thats the greatest fear i'm facing at these moment..to tell u the truth..i'm thinking of these every single day..😞😞
Sorry awak. I have to get this off my chest.. U can go to slp first ye awak..i'll be taking my time strolling my way home..I gotta walk off these feelings of mine..

Me: Aww.. awak.. Im soo glad you told me your feelings((: Yeah I feel as if you feel pressured to do more than what you are, kita sorry awak. But then part of me feels, as long as you solat, learn/read the Quran, going to majlis ilmu..  And especially hold on to the rope of Allah I'm sure Allah will guide you.(: I fall in love with your answer when you once said, that sure you dont mind learning about the deen. Ad you don't mind that I'll teach you. I was very happy about your answers. It's like I don't mind if seseorg tu taktau apepe, tapi I tak suka bila when they don't know they don't want to learn or act arrogantly as if they know. So yea. We're still learning. (: and I'm still learning too. Asyura pun.. Tak sehebat seperti apa yang awak katakan tentang kita. Hee.

Fir: Thank u awak for being so awesome..anw awak..hmm..i'm sorry but I gotta cancel our plans for Sunday..cos I have already touch alot for my savings to indon..and i'm like so broke!! I got enough only for transport..tu pon..haiz..I would really love to meet u..have another kurma menu..but I gotta cut down on gg out and spending..hmm..I really feel so flustered cos i just checked my account and I takut tk cukup to last til I get my gaji when i'm in Indonesia..hmm..ezlink pon cukup2 makan je..I feel like I'm such a shitty boyfriend..

Me: Heee. Its OK awak about this Sunday. My fren also is going, so I'm not alone. Hee. Yes2 we'll meet soon OK after your trip then! ((: aww don't lah feel down about yourself... It's OK k?(: digestive biscuits lebih ye? Hehehe.


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Text messages between us. (:
I'll tell you more about Fir soon(:

10:51 AM Wednesday, April 20, 2016 back to top?

• Maybe I've stopped crying?
How about you?

It's been 4 days now...
Or is it too early?

6:37 PM Monday, April 18, 2016 back to top?

• I will miss the way you hold me.
I will miss your hug.
I will miss the way you'll kiss me on my forehead.
I will miss the way you always rub my tummy when my period was too painful.
I will miss how you'd always wait for me to get ready, waiting patiently.
I will miss how you always wait for me to reach home and text you good night.

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Kiss me and hug me tight please?
Though I know this is just a dream.

I'm sorry.

1:53 AM back to top?

• Kenape awak masih blom tido?

Sebab.. Saya sedih. Saya sedang menangis.
Hati saya sedih. Sangat sangat sedih.

Fikiran saya berputar-putar. Mengenangkan tentang kisah, Antara dia dan aku.

Mungkin silap aku.
Bukan mungkin.  Memang silap aku.

12:33 AM back to top?

• 16 April 2016, Saturday. The day went our own ways.

So we broke up on the 16 April. I still remember, we wanted to celebrate our belated birthday together.
But then sadly the cake melted. We talked abit at Suntec. Then we went to Madeehul Mustafa concert at Esplanade. After which, we went to Raffles City McD. And then we continued our talk.

So we should stay or should we move on? You gave me the question. The decision. At first i never really wanted for us to break, but then, i think back.. Maybe not is the right time for us to open this topic between us.
So i said, "Lets move on Raihan..." :'(

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No words could describe how much I've hurt you.
I was mean, uncaring and complacent towards you.
I was ridiculous.

That sparks and the chase we've once had.. It's lost now. Sparks won't fly anymore.

The next day on 17 April,  after we ended our relationship...

Raihan: Im sorry that i raised the question last night.

So I send him one whole long messages for him. One which I really deeply gather my thoughts about.

It's OK. Don't need to be sorry. I'm the one who should be saying sorry to you.
Im sorry that I've hurt your feelings...

Thank you for being the most amazing and wonderful boyfriend a girl could ever had.Thank you for being my prince charming.Thank you for always being patiently waiting.
Thank you for sacrificing your time and loyalty in our relationship. I'm sorry that our relationship did not happen like what we we've expected it to be. Im sorry Raihan.
I'm sorry for hurting you, messing up your feelings, I'm sorry for being that mean girl to you.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I know both us are hurting deep inside.
Eventhough it's been 4 years since we've been together... Know that i was very sincere in loving you and caring for you.
I do not regret the time we've spent and shared.
Our time together was lovely and I appreciate everything that you've done.

Those moments we had, our times together ... It'll be very hard to forget about it.. i know.
But I feel it's ok, even if we don't forget it, it's ok we don't need to forget it. Let's just embraced those feelings we've had for each other other, let it be as our strength and inspiration to move on in our life...

I love you, for the sake of Allah.

I hope you and I will find happiness. Im sure.
I don't want you to beat yourself up. It's not your fault. It's my fault too. Im sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't want you to blame yourself.

I don't want you to be soo down. >
I want you to be stronger.
I want you to loveeothers like how you've once loved me too.

One day, if it's meant to be, it will be.
I will always pray for you. For your happiness, your smile, your laughter.
I pray for Allah to guide you, protect you and gives you strength in this dunia and akhirat.

Even if we are not together, I want you to still keep your head held high, chin up and go forth in whatever obstacles in your way. I know you can do it.

I'm sorry I can't be by your side to watch you, to grow with. But you will always be in my heart. InsyaAllah.
I want you to be the best you can be. It's ok to cry, because im crying too and it hurts me too.
Let's pray for each other okay?
 I'm sorry if it's not complete or in pieces or scarred. I'm sorry that I'm unable to plaster it back together.
It won't be the same... I know.

But deep down I'm pretty sure, once upon a time, there will come a girl who is kind, caring, beautiful, who loves you unconditionally.. Of whom which you would be madly in love with...
And she will stitch up the broken pieces of your heart and your heart will recovers like how it was before..
Like how you've always been that caring and kind, humble down to earth, wonderful and amazing man who had once unconditionally love someone wholeheartedly.

Please love her whole-heartedly too? After marriage I mean (: Give her your whole 100+ %.
Maybe that's why in Islam, it's forbidden of us to be together before marriage, because of all these heartbreaks.

Let's take it as a lesson we both learnt.
Please forgives me for all the wrong-doings I've done.

For I love you for the sake of Allah. 💚
And that was my reply.

-I cried while typing these words to send to him.

4 years. It been such a long time, my dear.
Why you broke up with him? Haiz.. I know. One day I'll explain.
But deep down, I know once I let him go.. I'll be losing a precious gem 💎.

I pray for Allah to take care of his heart.
Gives him someone, who's even more better than me. Gives him strength please to continue move on in this life.

I'm so scared that Raihan will be at his lowest point. I don't want that! I don't want to hurt him soo badly.
But I know I can't waste his time and his love.
He deserves someone better than me.

Once (as in last time) I talked about breaking up with him... And then, he sudden cried infront of me and begs me not to break up.
But yesterday, when I said those words again... he didn't break down and seems fine
But I know his heart shattered into pieces.
And while saying those hurtful words of break up, suddenly tears rolled down my cheeks. i do not know why I'm crying.
Eventhough I was the one who initiated those words.

I'm sorry for not trying Raihan.
I'm sorry that it has become to this.
Forget about me, forget everything. Our past, our moments our experiences. Forget it all if you need to.
Please don't hurt and lower yourself down.

:'( *crying while writing this post.

5:29 PM Sunday, April 3, 2016 back to top?

• This wavering heart.
Hati yang berbolak-balik. :(
Maafkan aku.

Apakah ini cinta?
Apakah ini hanya permainan syaitan? Lust?

Im sorry baby.
Youre the most wonderful and patient boyfriend!
Sometimes i know... I feel.. that ive always been stepping over you.
Im sorry. I dont mean to disrespect you.

Baby its me. Not you. Dont be sad.
Im sorry. Sorry.

I know deep in my heart, if i lose him, I guess part of me will regret not having you around. Due to your kindness and patience.

Sorry baby. Its just feels that we're less communicative these days. Maybe its me.

This relationship.
I missed that feeling, of being pursued and chasing. Getting to know each other. Finding similarities and differences. Wondering.

That feeling, where your heart starts to lurch, you're caught in your breathe and that ticklish feeling in your tummy, while going up and down the viking boat.

That feeling.

Maybe part of me regret that we went to a wrong start, in the start of our relationship.
Im sorry for taking it this long.. This whole 3plus years.

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My feeling when you said about us getting engage this year in December?
Yeah im draging. I dont think im ready. Though im just going through the flow.