12:51 AM Sunday, January 8, 2012 back to top?

• Subhanallah.
Ya Allah, syukran for always guiding and protecting me. Especially these two days.

Ya Allah, i was on the verge of crashing into someone's car today. Maybe i did, maybe i did not. Im not sure. ;'(
Because when i was reversing at the parking lot, i heard a "crash" sound. Notice behind me also got another car. So when i heard the crash sound thankfully the slot infront of me was free so i park infront to see if i really did crashed the car. :(
I went towards the car, looked looked, and subhanallah, takda apa-apa yang tak betul. Hmm...
Entahlah, ya Allah. Hanya engkau yang maha mengetahui. Dan ya Allah, even if i did, probably youve saved me ya Allah, dengan utusan-utusan Malaikat kau, mungkin disebabkan Ayat Kursi yang telah ku baca. Masyaallah. Apa-apa, aku bersyukur.

Dan Ya Allah, aku berdoa, bahawa tiada apa-apa yang terjadi dengan kereta dia dan kereta yang ku pandu. Please Ya Allah, tak mau apa-apa yang terjadi. ;'(

----

Dan Ya Allah, syukran for listening to my prayers and my pleas.
For yesterday (Friday), syukran for guiding me and making me be brave in the death procedures of my patient.

I know i cried. I cried because i was sad. But its not that which makes me into tears. It is that, while i was doing work and going on with my life, Malaikat Izrail adalah berdekatan denganku lalu mencabut Roh seseorang. Which dawns on me thus makes me reflect.
Aku benar-benar takut akan mati, kerana ku masih belum sedia, belum sedia menjadi seorang yang baik, belum sedia dalam bertaubat kepadaMu, belum sedia bahawa amal jariyah tu samaada banyak atau tidak.

Hmm, so my patinet was DIL/DNR. For comfort measure only. Then around petang, his BP drop and only hears the SBP while DBP cannot hear. Then his HR was 46bpm, and SPO2 was 90% on Venturi 50% 15l o2. Then doctor was informed, she said to inform her if pt is asystole, hence he was on cardiac monitoring from then onwards, with curtain screen and by his side the son and the son's mother was there.

I do noticed that the HR was decreasing, and i do noticed that the HR had reached 17bpm, which was very low.
Anyway, around night medication time, my SN asked me to serve his medication which was only Paracetamol. Pt was on NGT. So i asked if need to aspirate or not, she said yes.
So with the medication in hand, i went inside the curtain, asked permission to feed his medication. So yes, i did my usual NGT feeding swiftly and smoothly, with professionalism, as the relatives was there. Obviously, i dont want to ask them to go outside while i feed, since i also scared what if something happened or wad while i was feeding. But the thing was, because i understand how they feel, they'd rather be with the patient's side, so yes i want to respect their feeling. Alhamdulillah, i did my feeding smoothly. The son thanked me after that, and when i looked at the both of them, they are very calm. Masyaallah.
*As i was about to feed the patient, i noticed my patient somehow jerked his head and body, Which was unusual, as usually he'd be lying down. Hmmm....

Then i go out of the curtain, and a few minutes later, the son called me.
He said: 'Is it asystole' already?' .
Masyaallah.
I looked at the cardiogram, I saw a straight line, with a small bump and a straight line.
I was like.. Hmm.. it seems like it is, but is it? wads with the small bump?
So i told the son, "Hmmm... i will inform the staff nurse", my expressionlike sure bot sure, but kind of sure. haha.
So my SN came, she saw the cardiogram and said, 'Hmm ya...' nod her head. Inalillah wa inna ilayhi rajiun.

So i went to the Nurse counter and called the Doctor regarding asystole. Miss Evelyn was there as she came into ward and greeted me, i greeted her back, then start dialing teh numbers.
While dialling down the numbers, it somehow dawns on me that my patient is dead, and Malaikat Izrail is close by yet dia telah mencabut nyawa seseorang... Which bring my eyes to tears.
It was hard pressing the numbers as, my vision was blurry, 1 drop of tear falls and i quickly wipe my tears, so i put down my spect... the line was picked up, the doctor answered.
I told the Doctor regarding about my patient he is already asystole. End phonecall.
Miss Evelyn was there, she saw me in tears, asked why.. So yeahh Asystole.
So she said.. "Come lets move behind. Dont let any patients see." (Yes i know that).
So i turned back reach for the tissue then hide behind the wall of the doctor's room with Miss Evelyn infront of me. She kind of counselled me. I wiped my tears dry and told myself to stop crying and be brave. She then told me about her time when she was a first year and her patient died and her SN asked her to clean the body.. so she keeps talking and talking. While me on the other hand, have already stopped my tears from flowing down.. So i tried to move a bit away since ive got work to do.. Then saw my SN, so i (i think i bid gdbye to Miss Evelyn)... And told SN that i informed the doctor already. So yeahh...

Doctor came already. Forms up etc. Did documentations.
This was the first time a death happened right by my side. From first still breathing and lastly unresponsiveness.
It was a sad yet a learning lesson for me.

I guess of course lah, i sayang my patients, which maybe at first make me hard to ponder upon his death... Like this heart of mine being at the top of a rollercoster doing a "Flip".
But just then when i think about death whereby Malaikat Izrail came untuk mencabut Roh manusia.. then i started to be in tears. Masyaallah. He is soo close to me! :'(

Hmm... Subhanallah. Shukran ya Allah for listening to my doa and my plea. (: